HOPE

I can't believe it. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I have had some nearly fantastic news. Let me set this up.
I started the fall semester going into school thinking "I don't want to do this. I hate this. I still don't feel good about this. I still don't feel anything good." I have had a rough two weeks and my mood and stress and everything kept just getting worse and worse.

And then I did something I have been mentally putting off for over two years.
I talked to someone about it. Someone who could DO something. Someone who could help.

I went to the doctor here (a nurse practitioner, actually) and she was amazing. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which, to quote wikipedia is "one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer." Anyway, all the symptoms fit. ALL of them.
So she started me on two medications, Bupropoin and Trazodone (the latter more to help me sleep well than anything else). We also did a blood test and I got the results back and I have an under-active Thyroid, which was only adding to the trouble. I still need to schedule some counseling to help me figure ME out, but I am just so happy to have a plan for some of this to get better. Everything I have read just fits SO well, and she gave me the prescriptions that best fit ME instead of just being most popular, and I just could cry tears of joy at having this. I have an ANSWER, for fucks sake. Never have I felt such relief. 


Also, I managed to do Chemistry homework that I couldn't do a few days ago, and my husband was able to help me without either of us getting mad at each other or frustrated and I just can't help think that things might be looking up. 


I may not end up where I thought I would, but I will be getting there healthier and happier and just.... just fucking better.

Much later...

It's been since October 2009 since my last real post.

Right now, I am having trouble telling whether going back to school reduced my unhappiness enough to cancel out the amount of stress that I am now enduring. I have never questioned myself as much as I am now. Science has never felt so foreign to me; it has never felt so unforgiving and joyless. I have never wanted more to curl up in a ball away from the world.
My husband's stress levels have increased again. He's trying to help me through some of my courses, but he can't teach me any more than my terrible professors can. His work is going poorly, our car is working poorly, our grades are coming out poorly, our health is also behaving poorly. His patience is gone, which wears on both of us and we're in a rough place in our lives. Together we can figure something out, but we each have to come to terms with different things. I have to figure out who I want to be and if I can be content with what I do, or if I will always care more about what other people think of me. He has to come to terms with the fact that what's done in our lives is done, and that almost everything that he's dealing with is out of his control. What's done is done.


I just want to lay in the grass and sleep for weeks.