Popsicles, Ink, and Onion Rings

Today, I went with my husband as he got his first tattoo. I do not have any, as I am too much of a wimp, and am sure that I would regret it. It was cool, I talked to a couple tattoo artists from other areas, and some people I see with tattoos around town, and they all said that this One guy was the best in town, so we went to see him. He was actually, all booked until the middle of may. MAY. But he had come in early and had a cancellation, so it worked out perfect. He was great. So, my husband told one of his best friends about it (it's always a competition with them) and all the guy would do was nay-say. Seriously. It was ridiculous. Oh well. Anyway, he got a One Armed Scissor as a tattoo. I liked a different kind of scissor for it than he did, but it is his body, and he said the artist sketched out a few different kinds and this one looked the best. It'll be neat when it's healed and I can actually touch it.

Afterwards we went to a restaurant that we had never been to. It was a mix of a fast food and sit down burger joint and a barbeque. You ordered sit down stuff like a fast food place (in line and standing up) then you go and sit, then you go get your food, and depending on what it was, all the condiments and toppings are at a little bar. You put on your own lettuce, or tomatoes, etc. But there was seating like a sitdown restaurant, though there were obviously no waiters. It was kind of neat. We had the most amazing onion rings, but we ate too much and now my stomach hurts. Then we went and bought popsicles (like I needed them). I couldn't choose between the Rootbeer/Banana/Lemonlime combo or the fudgesicles, so we got both. I feel ridiculous, but they will last forever, so it works.
All in all, not a bad day. Could have been better. Could have been worse. I wish, other than the man's tattoo, we could have done something cooler on my one f-ing day off (which someone still called and asked if I could cover for him), but I guess we could have just sat at home.

Stupid Internet... Stupid Brain

Part One: Went back to work today. It wasn't so bad. I mean, it was still work, but it went by pretty fast. Also, my husband came to pick me up for my lunch and we went to the park. But it was rainy today, so we just ate in the car and mocked the seagull that was staring at us. I like a few of the people I work with, but I couldn't hang out with any of them outside of work. Too big of age differences, or just not sure that they would want to hang out with me. Oh well. I guess I will stay and work my minimum (slave) wage job and try to find friends outside of work.
I am still throwing around the idea of going back to school. And still throwing around the idea of teaching... which I am not sure of yet. But I can picture myself in it, I worry about the actual teaching part though. I do not think that students would respect me, and I am still not sure how that would change my ideas for a family, etc. Also, where would I go to school? That would mean another four years of having to live in apartments, because the schools I could go to are not in places I will ever want to live. Either that or I would have to commute to school and then to work every day. I guess it kind of depends. Oh it stinks to think about it...

Part Two: My internet crapped out on me last night, so the first part of this post is from yesterday, and this part is from today, Tuesday. I had to go into the office at my apartment complex to get internet. It is kind of a drag, because I cant put my feet up, or anything. Stupid people making me get dressed and what not, haha. Every day I get more torn about this going back to school thing. Because every day, I want to go even more, but then everything that would make it twice as hard gets louder in my mind, so I end up farther apart than last time. I keep thinking that if I don't do it, I never will. But then I am still not sure if I actually do want to, or if I am just so dissatisfied with my life and job now that I would do anything. I mean, I did go to college before, and I did hate it. But then again, it could have been because I was unmotivated, or because it was my first time out of the house (also my first, and certainly not last, experience with liquid courage). A lot happened that year. I guess I will never know if I don't try, but it is so much money to lose on a gamble. And I have another person to think about. It's not just me anymore. How will it change his opportunities for work or a career. He graduates next may, and will go looking for a career in his future field; How will me going back to school change or influence that for him.

Great, another thing to think about. I know he will support me in whatever I do, he has told me. He said yesterday, that if I wanted to go back to school, he would do whatever he could to help me. But still, I do not want to do anything to cause him to resent me and my stupid decisions.

Budgeting for my future...

Today, I tried to think of a career that would make me feel like I was accomplishing something in my life. A job where I would not feel like a failure or a loser every day. So I thought of all the things that I like. I like art, but I have no artistic skill. I like music, but have no musical talent. I like writing, but again, I have no creative writing ability. Then I went back to what I had wanted to do upon leaving high school. I wanted to teach. But then when I went to college and hated it and did not have the self motivation or will power to work hard to become a teacher. But I did not know then what I know now. But I still know myself. I am still sure that I would have trouble making myself go to class.
So I looked into some schools a little, and I wouldn't even know where to go. Three of the towns the schools are in, I do not enjoy, and the other is in a big city where it would be way too expensive to live close enough to the campus for me to make it to school every day. And not to mention, that I know myself, and I would not be able to pull off working a job and going to school full time, but we could not afford to function or live without it. GUH. I should have stayed in school in the first place.
But say I made myself to go, and I went through everything to get certified, and I got a job teaching. what about the other things that I want for my life. Like a home and a family? That may sound too domestic for some, but I really would like to raise my own children.

So I turned on the tv, and the Ten Commandments was on. You know, with Charlton Heston as Moses. It is kind of funny, because I was thinking of renting that movie today. I used to watch it as a kid, and my husband doesn't like it, so I didn't rent it, but it turns out that I get to watch it anyway. Neat. Here's a nice little image of moses for those of you who are better visually.

I wish I could just decide on something to do, do it, and be done with it. But it's these Damned student loans that I already have that are stopping me. I am barely paying them now, I can't imagine a total of around Eighty Thousand dollars of student loan debt. It would take forever to work off. God, I wish school was free. I mean, what else are we supposed to do with ourselves if we can't afford the fucking education to get anywhere with our lives? What is the point of going to college to get the better paying job, if you are just going to be paying of your student loans for years. I hate it. I really do hate it. Every time that I hear that someone won the lottery, I am jealous. There was a couple about a month ago that won around two hundred and fifty MILLION dollars, and they didn't even seem happy about it. They seemed put out that they had to get up early for an interview and then drive somewhere to cash their millions of dollars and put it in their bank. I just wanted to smack them.

I like to think of how amazing it would be if I could just win one hundred thousand dollars, which is almost nothing on the lottery scale. I would love to just be able to pay off debts, and go to school, and have a clean start without all these other things dragging me down. I would pay mine and my husband's debts, I would pay for us to go to school, and we could handle everything else from zero. And I know that I am not the only one who worries. I know that my husband sees me sad and he knows I feel like a failure in life, and I think it hurts him. I shouldn't be thinking about myself. But Oh how I wish everything could work out fine. But shit, wishes don't pay the bills, so fuck it.

I don't think I am capable of any of this anyway.

feels like I don't remember ever being this tired before

Today... was a crappy day.

I really don't know what was wrong with me today, but the day fucking sucked. I pretty much felt depressed all day. Maybe I'm being hormonally emotional, but I can't think of a reason I would be. All I could think today while I was at work is how much of a failure I feel like I am. How I wish I could...I don't know, not be a failure. I can't even think of a fucking synonym. I was also thinking of a few things. Like how I envy the willpower of anorexics. I've tried. I don't understand things like cutting yourself or anything (if you're going to cause yourself pain get a tattoo or something), but if only I could be anorexic, or partially anorexic. Like, I'll eat breakfast and take vitamins, but just not eat for the rest of the day. I tried it one day... I didn't make it to five o'clock before I ate again.


I think that will power is part of my problem all around. I did not have the will power to finish college. I do not have the will power to lose weight (though I both want to and need to with everything I am). I do not have the will power to work harder at my job. I do not have the will power to make friends. More, I don't have the guts to try to make friends again.


I am friendly with people at my work. I would say that some of them like me as a person, but I honestly do not think that any of them would hang out with me or be my friend outside of work. Not to mention that I have been unneccessesarily bitchy about one of the guys I work with. He is a jerk, and he is SLOW, and he is lazy, and I think he might have some mental issues also. He should for SURE be fired, but my boss is a jerk too and won't fire him. I have to re-do everything he does, he is SO dumb. If I worked as poorly or as slowly as him, I would be fired, but he isn't. I think I will fill out a bunch of random comment cards about him. I have had customers complain about him, and he does have other jobs, so it is not like it would be a giant loss for him. Plus it would save everyone who has to fix all his fuckups all the time and effort. I just don't think anyone wants to say anything because they want to be nice. Fuck being nice. You don't have to like the people you work with! It's WORK. You only have to be there for like five or six hours. Oh well.
Work is part of why I feel like such a failure. I work such a shitty job, for such shitty pay. Nothing I do is actually important. Like, yes, it's important in the sense that if I didn't do it, we wouldn't sell anything and the customers would be unhappy. But in the long run, I get no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment from any of it. And at the end of the day, no one remembers me... no one remembers that I went the extra mile to find them the book or movie or cd or item that they wanted.


Like the other day, a guy called looking for a comedy track on a cd. He had no idea what it was called, only some of the words. I told him the only thing he could really do was to look it up online. He told me that he was blind and couldn't. So I told him "You know what, I get off work in about two hours. How about when I get home I look it up for you and then do some work and find out if we have it and then I will call you back from my phone and make sure they hold it for you." So I did. And the guy didn't even say thank you. He wasn't even grateful. It was ridiculous.
Oh well. I am off to bed now. I am ready to be over with this fucking day.

Carrots, Zombies, and Hops

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I felt like this image would be appropriate for three reasons. 1) It is spring and it is a picture of a plant. 2) It is green. 3) It is a necessary ingredient of beer... what I plan to be drinking soon.
So I remembered something last night. I realized that my self esteem issues are not just a physical thing. I realized that I had it when I was little too, just to a less extent. When I was in the first grade (or whatever grade it is that you learn to write) my teacher was teaching us to always capitalize proper nouns. Being my inquisitive little self, I asked why. You could tell that she didn't get asked why to capitalize something before. She told me it was because people and places were important, and we show them that they are important by capitalizing their names. (I thought that that was what everyone consciously thought when they wrote peoples names) I did not think that I was important, so I never capitalized my name. I hoped for the teacher or someone to tell me that I was important and that I needed to capitalize my name. But that never happened. So I thought that I was right... I wasn't important. And I think that is where it might have started. So, now I know that my poor self image and esteem was stupid through middle and high school. Now, now it might just be justified, but I wish I could go back and smack my younger self and her that she was both important and hot, and to get over it. Haha (I don't like typing "lol"). I am sure that everyone wishes that they could do something like that. Go back and tell their college self not to eat all the french fries and to stick to straight shots instead of beer. Go back and tell their high school self to pay a little more attention and not to skip because it is a little more important to figure it out.
So I tried to add some little things I've done to my deviantart account, but for some reason I can't get it to work. I like to make collages. Probably because my brain can think up pretty and unique things, but I can not make my hands do it. I can paint a pretty mean pop art looking tree branch. But that is about it. I know so many ridiculously artistic people who have the god given talents to make beautiful art, or sing fantastically, or play an instrument like a god. If you can't tell I might be a little jealous.

Well, taking my mind off of things like that, I am going to drink a lot tonight. I was thinking about going and eating some potatoes rice and bread. Haha. Just kidding. Just rice. Rice is delicious, and I do not think that it would hurt very much if I had to throw up. Also, it probably wont give me heartburn, which I have been getting a lot lately. Which sucks, because I have an addiction to spicy food. I can not think of a meal that I love that isn't spicy. Except a few things like mashed potatoes. Or navy bean soup. Or ham. Or carrots, I love carrots. A lot.

Speaking of carrots, I think I will go make the food that I am going to eat tonight. Maybe I will make myself a drink. I really am a winner, drinking by myself in the middle of Idaho, writing, googling things, and watching CSI (which is funny because a few of them are wearing green and it is the day you're supposed to. haha.)

I will leave you with the image of a little acrylic doll that I painted. Like a mini dunny, except way different. I made a middle management zombie. Yaay. I like zombies. I scare really easy but still. Shaun of the dead is one of my favorite movies... even though it is a comedy it has xombies. What could be better? Maybe little star trek nerd zombies.

(Post Script: I saw a movie the other day called Mutant Zombie Vampires from The Hood. Funny stuff huh?

PPS: Feel free to comment, I'd like peoples opinions.)

Trying it out

Quite a few people that I know do the blog thing. Some take it too far, saying things about their friends that they would never say in person, but at the same time they send them the links to their posts. That is a little much. Then again, I never said I was not passive aggressive, I just am not sure that I am going to let many people know that this is here. I have not decided yet. I think I may feel better knowing that potentially, someone could happen upon it and have an input that will affect...effect... (damn my english teachers for not telling me which is the correct one) me.
Here are a few things you might get to know about me during this process. I figure I will try to get this drama out of the way right at the start.
I have a lack of self-esteem/poor self image. I always have. In high school, I thought that I was fat (I wasn't) and when I would get compliments, I would take them badly. Basically, I just didn't believe it. Now, I am fat, and the estimage (esteem+image=estimage) did not get any better. It bothers me daily. I don't personally know anyone with image issues this bad, but, to make you understand, this is how my brain takes it. Wake up, go brush teeth, loathe what I see in the mirror. Shower, again, hate self. Dress: wish I was not so disgusting. Now, I dont think that I am ugly facially, but physically. During the day, I will forget that I am fat, but then it hits me and I remember. I try to stay positive and friendly, but "inside" I feel grosser than Michael Moore. I have not been eating as much, and I have been dieting, and working out. It is just not working, but I am trying to get over it. My husband is fantastic and tries to help so I feel pretty, but it does not work.

The other drama is that I have recently moved to Boise and I have no friends here. It is depressing to realize that you dont have any friends. I realize that I have friends from High School or college, but there are only about five of them, and I only talk to them every once in a while. It is difficult to live and work somewhere where you don't have a core group of friends, or people to hang out with, or party with, or celebrate a birthday with. My in-laws make me feel like a loser because of comments that they make. Not to me, but I will be around, or in the next room, when they are talking about people being overweight and gross, or not finishing college meaning that you are a loser who will never get anywhere in life. I realize that right now I might not be doing a lot in life, but we could not afford to live if both their son, my husband, and I were both going to school. And I do not want to waste more money on an education I am unsure of. It is still heartbreaking to know that the only people that you do have around you, think that you are trash. I also found out that two people that I considered to be my friends (they were even in my wedding party) have never liked me. I don't think that you should fake it to that extreme. I understand being nice, or civil, but to accept an invitation to be in your wedding if you do not like the person.
Okay, *phew* That was nice.

Now, onto some not real drama... If you aren't already, you should get yourself addicted to Questionable Content. Amazing, I have to say so myself. I have to thank Kevin for telling me about it. Well... I will spoil it partially for you now, but if you go read from the start, you'll forget... Faye had sex with somebody (I won't say who) and Oh how I saw it coming (no pun intended) and I hope it works out well. Here is the link: http://www.questionablecontent.net/. You really do need to go check it out.

Well, I probably will think of something else later today.