Today... was a crappy day.

I really don't know what was wrong with me today, but the day fucking sucked. I pretty much felt depressed all day. Maybe I'm being hormonally emotional, but I can't think of a reason I would be. All I could think today while I was at work is how much of a failure I feel like I am. How I wish I could...I don't know, not be a failure. I can't even think of a fucking synonym. I was also thinking of a few things. Like how I envy the willpower of anorexics. I've tried. I don't understand things like cutting yourself or anything (if you're going to cause yourself pain get a tattoo or something), but if only I could be anorexic, or partially anorexic. Like, I'll eat breakfast and take vitamins, but just not eat for the rest of the day. I tried it one day... I didn't make it to five o'clock before I ate again.


I think that will power is part of my problem all around. I did not have the will power to finish college. I do not have the will power to lose weight (though I both want to and need to with everything I am). I do not have the will power to work harder at my job. I do not have the will power to make friends. More, I don't have the guts to try to make friends again.


I am friendly with people at my work. I would say that some of them like me as a person, but I honestly do not think that any of them would hang out with me or be my friend outside of work. Not to mention that I have been unneccessesarily bitchy about one of the guys I work with. He is a jerk, and he is SLOW, and he is lazy, and I think he might have some mental issues also. He should for SURE be fired, but my boss is a jerk too and won't fire him. I have to re-do everything he does, he is SO dumb. If I worked as poorly or as slowly as him, I would be fired, but he isn't. I think I will fill out a bunch of random comment cards about him. I have had customers complain about him, and he does have other jobs, so it is not like it would be a giant loss for him. Plus it would save everyone who has to fix all his fuckups all the time and effort. I just don't think anyone wants to say anything because they want to be nice. Fuck being nice. You don't have to like the people you work with! It's WORK. You only have to be there for like five or six hours. Oh well.
Work is part of why I feel like such a failure. I work such a shitty job, for such shitty pay. Nothing I do is actually important. Like, yes, it's important in the sense that if I didn't do it, we wouldn't sell anything and the customers would be unhappy. But in the long run, I get no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment from any of it. And at the end of the day, no one remembers me... no one remembers that I went the extra mile to find them the book or movie or cd or item that they wanted.


Like the other day, a guy called looking for a comedy track on a cd. He had no idea what it was called, only some of the words. I told him the only thing he could really do was to look it up online. He told me that he was blind and couldn't. So I told him "You know what, I get off work in about two hours. How about when I get home I look it up for you and then do some work and find out if we have it and then I will call you back from my phone and make sure they hold it for you." So I did. And the guy didn't even say thank you. He wasn't even grateful. It was ridiculous.
Oh well. I am off to bed now. I am ready to be over with this fucking day.