HOPE

I can't believe it. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I have had some nearly fantastic news. Let me set this up.
I started the fall semester going into school thinking "I don't want to do this. I hate this. I still don't feel good about this. I still don't feel anything good." I have had a rough two weeks and my mood and stress and everything kept just getting worse and worse.

And then I did something I have been mentally putting off for over two years.
I talked to someone about it. Someone who could DO something. Someone who could help.

I went to the doctor here (a nurse practitioner, actually) and she was amazing. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which, to quote wikipedia is "one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer." Anyway, all the symptoms fit. ALL of them.
So she started me on two medications, Bupropoin and Trazodone (the latter more to help me sleep well than anything else). We also did a blood test and I got the results back and I have an under-active Thyroid, which was only adding to the trouble. I still need to schedule some counseling to help me figure ME out, but I am just so happy to have a plan for some of this to get better. Everything I have read just fits SO well, and she gave me the prescriptions that best fit ME instead of just being most popular, and I just could cry tears of joy at having this. I have an ANSWER, for fucks sake. Never have I felt such relief. 


Also, I managed to do Chemistry homework that I couldn't do a few days ago, and my husband was able to help me without either of us getting mad at each other or frustrated and I just can't help think that things might be looking up. 


I may not end up where I thought I would, but I will be getting there healthier and happier and just.... just fucking better.

Much later...

It's been since October 2009 since my last real post.

Right now, I am having trouble telling whether going back to school reduced my unhappiness enough to cancel out the amount of stress that I am now enduring. I have never questioned myself as much as I am now. Science has never felt so foreign to me; it has never felt so unforgiving and joyless. I have never wanted more to curl up in a ball away from the world.
My husband's stress levels have increased again. He's trying to help me through some of my courses, but he can't teach me any more than my terrible professors can. His work is going poorly, our car is working poorly, our grades are coming out poorly, our health is also behaving poorly. His patience is gone, which wears on both of us and we're in a rough place in our lives. Together we can figure something out, but we each have to come to terms with different things. I have to figure out who I want to be and if I can be content with what I do, or if I will always care more about what other people think of me. He has to come to terms with the fact that what's done in our lives is done, and that almost everything that he's dealing with is out of his control. What's done is done.


I just want to lay in the grass and sleep for weeks.

Seven Months

It has been seven months since my last post.

I would love to relay that things have been getting better, but that would not be entirely truthful. Some things are better, while others are worse, so it kind of averages out. If it is true that the world has balance, I would be quite the example -if you were to discount the really bad things.

School is going...interestingly. That is actually why I am here. I have to write a blog as part of an assignment for my English course, and I have to change some of my blogger settings, so I won't be able to post here. Not that I do anyway, really.

Things with the husband have been better though. He left one of his jobs and seems a tiny bit less stressed, which equals me being less stressed (a little). It is a nice feeling, so long as it lasts.

Well, until next time (oh two readers that I know of). I will try to post as soon as possible with true updates.

 

Drown

So, it has been months, months and months. But i guess I stopped writing because I really didn't want to think about all the crap. Don't want to think about health problems, don't want to think about money problems.
Here is the basics of those. Doctors still don't know what is wrong with me, but things seem to be getting a tiny bit better that way. Work is bad. They have implimented a payroll freeze, so I wont get a raise until 2010. Even though my manager still gets all his bonuses that he doesn't deserve in the first place. I might kill them for that. But instead I took down all the corporate bosses phone numbers and I am going to complain. But not even fast food restaurants are hiring here, so I am stuck. Money is tight, but oh well.
Basically, I am stuck in this stupid state for an indefinite amount of time due to some crap with the husband's school. So, I decided to make the best of it, and I am going to go back to school. I am going to study the geo-sciences and potentially education. I like rocks, I like science, I think I can teach. Not sure, but I never know until I try. If I fail, oh well. I am used to it, so it won't be so bad. At least I will know.
I'm trying to be more social with people at work. Not much, but a little. A girl I work with and I are planning on going out on St Patrick's Day, and hopefully we will have fun and then I can have a buddy :)
Our other friends, the fairweather ones, aren't being the best of friends. They had a housewarming part for their new place as well as a movie night with a bunch of their friends and some of our mutual friends, and neither of them even bothered to invite my husband or myself. I don't think that is fair. At least my husband should have been invited, because they are supposed to be best friends. Oh well. Apparently not.
Well, until the next month I remember...

I should be one to talk

Well, the ulcer... if that is really what it is (I don't know still, because all the different doctors I have encountered are severely mentally limited) is still here. It has gotten better, but it still bothers me. It has NOT made me lose any weight. Well, at least not significantly. I could lose twenty pounds and still be overweight, so losing weight is a daunting task for me.
We are ridiculously low on cash. The husband's job was taken over by their corporate headquarters, and were issued a new general manager. The new GM is a controlling cockass and has been trying to drive all the people who have worked there for years out so he can play god and choose his own crew. Thing is everyone who works there is great, and efficient, and works hard. Since he has been driving them out, all of the regulars (old people, who are VERY reliable) have stopped coming in, and he is blaming all the remaining people for the lull in business. Basically, instead of my husband getting 30-50 hours a week, he now has... get this... FUCKING FOURTEEN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! And of course, we live in a right to work state, so we can't do a fucking thing.
And I have a crappy job where I make no money. So we both pounded pavement (literally, walked for freaking ever, my new pants are wearing out now) the other day to try to find a new job for him and an additional job for me. Before you say anything about why doesnt HE get two jobs too, he goes to school. So he has more than one level of stress there.
Thing is, there are no jobs here. I even lowered myself to food service (which I swore I would never do) and NOTHING. Both of us (especially him, restaurant wise as he used to be a chef) are VERY over-qualified for all the jobs we applied for, but I know we are going to be rejected. You do not know how it feels to be rejected by a job that you need that you are MORE than qualified for.
I can not fucking take it anymore. It is ridiculous.
So right now I am not sure I can pay the following:

Rent
Credit card 1
Credit card 2
Student Loan 1
Student Loan 2
Husband's Loan
Power Bill
Water Sewer Garbage Bill
Cell Phone Bill
To Fix the Two fucked up cars that wont drive, but that we need
For Groceries
Medical Bills
Et fucking cetera

Not to mention, that my husband has a history of stress related Ulcers (we are quite the fucking pair, arent we). He is already more stressed out than I want him. He is becoming more and more unhappy. He is being disheartened by the whole no money bad job thing, so I feel terrible about me feeling bad. I don't tell him how stressed I am by my job and how much I hate some of the people, how much I hate being degraded by the minimal pay I recieve there, not to mention how much I hate myself physically right now (and mentally, as I am a college dropout and failure in everyones eyes).

Things were good for a while, but I knew it was too good to be true.

And all he says when I ask if we can do things that are very cheap but that I know would regularly at least make him forget and be happy for five minutes is "We can't afford it." Or he will say "sure, whatever you want" and smile, but it never touches his eyes and he doesn't know that I know he is faking. If I can't be happy, I don't care;
... I just want him to be.

Not quite what I had in mind

Fuck yes I lost weight!....??????
Body... an Ulcer was not what I had in mind.

Technically, I am not sure it is an ulcer... but the doctors don't fucking know either, so I assume.
I went to the doctor ($110 down the drain) and told him I had been sick for a week and that it was not a normal sick, and that I know what food poisioning feels like and this is NOT it and it is more serious. He was nice, but an idiot and he just told me that it was food poisoning. Here is what was going through my mind, but not to my mouth "No, you fucker. It is not food poisoning. Are you RETARDED. I have gone to college, I have drank til I spewed, I have eaten at Jack in the Box. I KNOW what food poisoning feels like" But Noooo... did I say that... NOOO.

A week later it got worse and I went to another doctor. (more money go bye bye). First rant here (and I will keep it short): Idaho suck. It does not provide proper health care options for people who are, like me, without insurance. I can get great free healthcare if I am a Whore (I can get free aids tests, and std tests, etc) or Homeless (dont even fucking ask), but not if I am a contributing citizen who knows how to use a condom.
I went to one place everyone kept telling me to go (by everyone I mean I called the state departmend of health and welfare.... who are idiots). I went there so early they had to unlock the doors to let me in. I told them I would like to see a doctor. They asked if I had medicaid (which I can not get unless I get knocked up. Whores only), or if I was homeless. I said no. They said "Well then I am sorry we can't help you" WHAT THE FUCK!!! I said "Lady, I am in pain, I can walk out the door come back in and tell you that I am homeless if you like" She looked at me like I was devil spawn.
I was pissed.
And that is the SHORT version.

So we know that I am not/do not have:
H.Pilori
Pregnant=no
No Bladder infect
No Kidney infect
Nothing that shows up on xray

I am fucked.
I get to sleep in the recliner. Fucking Yay.

However, because I can not eat much (especially on days I work) I think I may be losing some weight. Not quite what I had in mind... but better than nothing I suppose.


Although... I can not drink. Alcohol just makes it worse... which has made my mood worse just because when I want a drink, I can not have it. And that makes me bitchy like a petulant child.

Better? Not sure...

I cant quite tell if life is getting better or worse.
I think I am less depressed, because I have not been doing the same things as I did when I was depressed.
I am no less fat, but I am going to start working harder on it. I have been eating better...
I still don't have a ton of friends, but that one bitch apologized and so things are a little less tense now. There are some people at work who have been nicer.
My boss is still a douche, but now there is an assistant manager who is Awesome! She is a strict, strong, feisty bitch, but in a motherly way. She saw him tell me to take out my lip ring (even though he has Never asked the guy who has TWO lip rings to take them out) and she asked 2 piercing guy to take his out for the day and then later told me she does not like that the store manager treats me unfairly. I <3>

I am going camping with two friends from college the weekend of the 25th, my Husbands 21st is finally on the 22nd of this month, and my kid brother is coming into town tomorrow just to hang out with me for a few days. It is nice, since he lives so far away.

Financially, shit is tighter now, especially with the lovely 4.25/gallon (Yay fossil fuel O_o). But not too terribly. It might be bad after the camping trip, but we have had it planned forever and I dont want to cancel.

I think I might drink too much beer... I am going to switch to vodka diets I think because it might have less calories... maybe.

I am pretty busy otherwise, and haven't been on blogspot lately, but I hope to come back saying "Fuck yes, I lost weight" or something like that.