I should be one to talk

Well, the ulcer... if that is really what it is (I don't know still, because all the different doctors I have encountered are severely mentally limited) is still here. It has gotten better, but it still bothers me. It has NOT made me lose any weight. Well, at least not significantly. I could lose twenty pounds and still be overweight, so losing weight is a daunting task for me.
We are ridiculously low on cash. The husband's job was taken over by their corporate headquarters, and were issued a new general manager. The new GM is a controlling cockass and has been trying to drive all the people who have worked there for years out so he can play god and choose his own crew. Thing is everyone who works there is great, and efficient, and works hard. Since he has been driving them out, all of the regulars (old people, who are VERY reliable) have stopped coming in, and he is blaming all the remaining people for the lull in business. Basically, instead of my husband getting 30-50 hours a week, he now has... get this... FUCKING FOURTEEN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! And of course, we live in a right to work state, so we can't do a fucking thing.
And I have a crappy job where I make no money. So we both pounded pavement (literally, walked for freaking ever, my new pants are wearing out now) the other day to try to find a new job for him and an additional job for me. Before you say anything about why doesnt HE get two jobs too, he goes to school. So he has more than one level of stress there.
Thing is, there are no jobs here. I even lowered myself to food service (which I swore I would never do) and NOTHING. Both of us (especially him, restaurant wise as he used to be a chef) are VERY over-qualified for all the jobs we applied for, but I know we are going to be rejected. You do not know how it feels to be rejected by a job that you need that you are MORE than qualified for.
I can not fucking take it anymore. It is ridiculous.
So right now I am not sure I can pay the following:

Rent
Credit card 1
Credit card 2
Student Loan 1
Student Loan 2
Husband's Loan
Power Bill
Water Sewer Garbage Bill
Cell Phone Bill
To Fix the Two fucked up cars that wont drive, but that we need
For Groceries
Medical Bills
Et fucking cetera

Not to mention, that my husband has a history of stress related Ulcers (we are quite the fucking pair, arent we). He is already more stressed out than I want him. He is becoming more and more unhappy. He is being disheartened by the whole no money bad job thing, so I feel terrible about me feeling bad. I don't tell him how stressed I am by my job and how much I hate some of the people, how much I hate being degraded by the minimal pay I recieve there, not to mention how much I hate myself physically right now (and mentally, as I am a college dropout and failure in everyones eyes).

Things were good for a while, but I knew it was too good to be true.

And all he says when I ask if we can do things that are very cheap but that I know would regularly at least make him forget and be happy for five minutes is "We can't afford it." Or he will say "sure, whatever you want" and smile, but it never touches his eyes and he doesn't know that I know he is faking. If I can't be happy, I don't care;
... I just want him to be.

Not quite what I had in mind

Fuck yes I lost weight!....??????
Body... an Ulcer was not what I had in mind.

Technically, I am not sure it is an ulcer... but the doctors don't fucking know either, so I assume.
I went to the doctor ($110 down the drain) and told him I had been sick for a week and that it was not a normal sick, and that I know what food poisioning feels like and this is NOT it and it is more serious. He was nice, but an idiot and he just told me that it was food poisoning. Here is what was going through my mind, but not to my mouth "No, you fucker. It is not food poisoning. Are you RETARDED. I have gone to college, I have drank til I spewed, I have eaten at Jack in the Box. I KNOW what food poisoning feels like" But Noooo... did I say that... NOOO.

A week later it got worse and I went to another doctor. (more money go bye bye). First rant here (and I will keep it short): Idaho suck. It does not provide proper health care options for people who are, like me, without insurance. I can get great free healthcare if I am a Whore (I can get free aids tests, and std tests, etc) or Homeless (dont even fucking ask), but not if I am a contributing citizen who knows how to use a condom.
I went to one place everyone kept telling me to go (by everyone I mean I called the state departmend of health and welfare.... who are idiots). I went there so early they had to unlock the doors to let me in. I told them I would like to see a doctor. They asked if I had medicaid (which I can not get unless I get knocked up. Whores only), or if I was homeless. I said no. They said "Well then I am sorry we can't help you" WHAT THE FUCK!!! I said "Lady, I am in pain, I can walk out the door come back in and tell you that I am homeless if you like" She looked at me like I was devil spawn.
I was pissed.
And that is the SHORT version.

So we know that I am not/do not have:
H.Pilori
Pregnant=no
No Bladder infect
No Kidney infect
Nothing that shows up on xray

I am fucked.
I get to sleep in the recliner. Fucking Yay.

However, because I can not eat much (especially on days I work) I think I may be losing some weight. Not quite what I had in mind... but better than nothing I suppose.


Although... I can not drink. Alcohol just makes it worse... which has made my mood worse just because when I want a drink, I can not have it. And that makes me bitchy like a petulant child.

Better? Not sure...

I cant quite tell if life is getting better or worse.
I think I am less depressed, because I have not been doing the same things as I did when I was depressed.
I am no less fat, but I am going to start working harder on it. I have been eating better...
I still don't have a ton of friends, but that one bitch apologized and so things are a little less tense now. There are some people at work who have been nicer.
My boss is still a douche, but now there is an assistant manager who is Awesome! She is a strict, strong, feisty bitch, but in a motherly way. She saw him tell me to take out my lip ring (even though he has Never asked the guy who has TWO lip rings to take them out) and she asked 2 piercing guy to take his out for the day and then later told me she does not like that the store manager treats me unfairly. I <3>

I am going camping with two friends from college the weekend of the 25th, my Husbands 21st is finally on the 22nd of this month, and my kid brother is coming into town tomorrow just to hang out with me for a few days. It is nice, since he lives so far away.

Financially, shit is tighter now, especially with the lovely 4.25/gallon (Yay fossil fuel O_o). But not too terribly. It might be bad after the camping trip, but we have had it planned forever and I dont want to cancel.

I think I might drink too much beer... I am going to switch to vodka diets I think because it might have less calories... maybe.

I am pretty busy otherwise, and haven't been on blogspot lately, but I hope to come back saying "Fuck yes, I lost weight" or something like that.

Might just stab my boss... Is that bad?

Here is what I have to say... FUCK SHIT. FUCK COCK ASS CUNT DICK SHIT MOTHERFUCKER BOSS! I Want to kick him. He fucking SHUSHED me today! WHAT THE FUCK! He says the volume of my voice is too loud! The natural volume of my voice. What a dick! I have tried to be quiet, but he is not going to notice me when I am quiet, only when I am loud! And HE is a loud talker! I might just kick him in the testicles if he fucking shusshes me like a two year old again, I swear.

Jen Lancaster, if I were a man I would MAKE you cheat on a man named Fletch

Today's blog, not that I am EVER regular with my blogs to call it a "daily" thing.



A letter to Mrs. Jen Lancaster (who I wish I were... was... am...*fuck tense!*)



Dear Jen,



I am so informal due to the fact that I, like all of your readers, feel that I am entitled to be your friend. You have opened your life to us. You have opened your feelings to us, you have opened your smart assed, pearl wearing self to us, and I salute you. As if you have never heard that before.

Upon putting away a stack of books at work, I happened upon Bright Lights, Big Ass. I read a bit, then bought Bitter in the New Black. Fell in love, then read Bright Lights fully. Then googled, and realized that a DAY EARLIER you had relased Such A Pretty Fat. I don't know how to tell you that I am so enamored by your writing that I want to (like a three year old) emulate all that you are.

You inspire me, you make me want to believe in myself, you are everything that I am and everything that I am not.



I wish this were longer and more articulate, but, in the long run, know that you have impacted more than one life (and ass...) and that if you ran, I would vote for you for the President of the United States. ((I am all for hillary and the whole woman thing, but she seems like a bitch for no reason. Jen, you are a bitch for all the reasons I love. I would vote for YOUR bitch ass!))



Love, always (don't care how high school that sounds)

Amanda



PS: I know you need the house, but if you don't keep writing, I will vote for someone who will make you.

Long long ago, I blogged...

I have been busy... to say the least. With my work, I work all the time (tiny ass shifts) and then I have been so busy with home stuff too! It is crazy!

Tuesday was my 21st birthday. My husband took me out around town and had lots of little things planned it was great. And then the day after, I went to this bar that was about two blocks from my house. (Husband is not 21 yet, so I felt bad for going to a bar without him) But this place is a sports bar/restaurant, and they were pretty lenient. So I, having already had three white russians at home, was already pretty sloshed. I told the guy the story about my birthday, and he ended up being so great! He got me even more wasted and was the nicest guy ever. So, on the walk home (which I do not remember, because I was blackout drunk, which I have never been) I did not wear shoes (now my feet have blisters). I also decided (a block from my house) that the grass looked more comfortable, and proceeded to lay down. My husband had to go get the car and drive me home. Then, I threw up... a lot... in the bathtub. Way to go me. I woke up the next morning and went into the bathroom and thought "who was the dumb fuck that threw up in the tub". And then found out it was me. It was not fun to clean....

Anyway, there is not much else to say. I have come to realize that my life is generally uneventful. Especially since, compared to ten people last year, only one person other than family called me on my birthday, and one person text messaged. Three people left me a message on facebook, but they all live together, and I havent seen them since high school. The people I considered my best friends didnt even remember (or bother with the messages on facebook and myspace that say who's birthday is coming up). I guess there is nothing to be done about that.

Oh! And when I was hungover the next morning (feeling like a zombie), my husband went out to buy me a plunger to clean up my mess with, and he came back with balloons! Pretty green balloons. He said they were to make me feel better ! :D So cute! I love balloons.

Unattainable

I am not sure what to do with myself anymore. I know I need to kick it in the ass. And it is not like my ass is by any means a small target. I need to get up and go to the damned gym or SOMETHING. I just can't find the motivation. It is not really the motivation that is my problem, because trust me, I have plenty to motivate me. About seventy pounds of plenty. But I can not find the will power or energy. We got a wii the other day, and I know it is kind of pathetic, but the boxing game that came with it (it actually came with a sports package) kicks my butt! I did the training on it (which I can not figure out how to aim) and I was sore afterwards! I do not know if that says something for the wii itself, getting people off their bums, or if it says something for how out of shape I am. I think I will play again for a little today. I just want to look pretty. Super fat, very poor posture, crappy hairdo. I need a fucking extreme makeover or something. What I wouldnt give for a trainer. A trainer that MADE me work out. A trainer and a personal chef. If I was rich I might be able to do this.

I want more than anything to not hate myself. There is nothing I do where I can forget what I look like. Shopping: one of the worst, whether it is for clothes or groceries, it doesnt matter. Clothes, that one is obvious. Groceries, I eat so well and get all the veggies and stuff, and then there will be ONE pre-packaged not good for me food on the conveyor belt, and I feel like everyone is staring at me with distain. One candy bar at work, and I feel like people roll their eyes and say 'no wonder'. Driving in the car, I feel ugly and fat. Sitting on the couch, walking around town, walking (or anything) at work, having a drink, laying down to go to sleep, taking a shower, hugging my husband, being intimate with him, going up the stairs to my apartment, going to the gym, doing my makeup, talking on the phone, shoe shopping, the list goes on and on. There is rarely any moment in any day that I do not have a constant reminder of self loathing talk going through my head. I can not escape how terrible and ugly I feel. And how even if I lose twenty pounds, I will still be huge. Even thirty, fourty pounds. How can I escape that?! I hear stories of women who lose hundreds of pounds and I can not understand how they did it. I try so hard.

I try so hard.

Run Ragged

I feel like I have been pushed to the end of my rope. I am so dissatisfied with my boss. I wish I could fire him. Just because he has a secure (as in one person can fire him and she sees him once a year) job, does not mean he should be such an ass. I shouldn't even have to care, either, because my six month eval. is coming up and I get a ten cent raise. Ten cents. A fucking dime. Not even a pay phone call. Not even a fucking text messages worth. So why should I work harder? Why should I be nice to him? To keep my job? I would get more through unemployment! Ah glorious minimum wage. I do look forward to my federally mandated minimum wage increase:) Suck on that seventy five cents, asshole.

On another note, I have been so busy with work, etc, that I haven't gotten a chance to breathe, let alone type. So busy that there was so much shit I wanted to talk about, that I completely lost it. No idea.

The other day... I don't even remember which one at this point, we went to a party with the people the Husband works with. It was hillarious. I lost track of how many drinks I had and wow, how I needed to. All I need to do now is wait another month and I will go out and buy for myself. Oh glorious vodka. Oh fantabulous rum. How I have missed you both. (tequila can kiss my ass, that shit fucks me up). Oh a cigarrete was nice, too. I had the most un-smooth cigarette the day before and it was gross. Then that night of the drinking I had a nice and smooth one (I only remember parts) and it was nice. I don't smoke on a regular basis, and dont like to have more than one when I do. I really did have a pretty good time. Especially since they were all strangers to me.

I am going to start a little mini diet on Tuesday. Last time I did it I lost eight pounds in four days (and kept it off for a few months). I just hate the meal plan and it is so hard not to eat very often. I mean, it is not that difficult, but it is hard not to have a snack or toast or a small glass of milk or something. But it really is a miracle diet. I am going to try and do it once or twice a month now. I need to lose about fifty pounds (I want to lose about seventy). But I dont want to think of it like that. It is too much. Very overwhelming. I am just going to think of it as a few pounds at a time. As much as I can. I eat healthy, I dont understand why I am fat. I hate it. I think I just want liposuction or something. Fucking hate fat. Mine anyway.

A good thing: I found some fake moss the other day. They are actually fake "moss covered rocks". I love moss. It is weird. I love green things, but moss... moss is just so pretty. So calming. I am not sure. I do love it though.

Cars, Careers, City, Cockasses

Let us start with the "cockasses" portion of this whole shebang. My boss, is a cock ass. He has scheduled me the worst shifts possible for the last two months. I have worked every weekend since I started. On friday I work until eleven o'clock pm, with no break, and then on saturday I work at ten in the morning. After six days straight of working with no day off and days with no breaks. This guy is pissing me off. He totally gypped me out of my breaks too. If he had scheduled me for FIFTEEN more minutes I would have gotten my break, but NOOO. What a fuck. And next week is the same way except worse. UH.

Careers: I have given up on the going back to school to teach thing. I don't believe that I am motivated enough, and I do not think that I am passionate enough about it to spend that much time and money just to go work at a school and put in time there just to make ends meet. Not into it.
However, my Husband (who is in school for drafting/architecture) realized that he hates drafting. He is really good at it, but he hates it. So we are going to move back to the City *YAY* and he is going to go back to cooking. But instead of just cooking to make money, he is going to cook to become a chef. Neat:D I am just really excited about moving back to the city. This "city" we live in now is fucking rural and ridiculous. I hate the people here, I hate the minimum wage here. The only good thing is that we have a nice apartment and his family is here. He is going to finish up one more year of school, though (I hope I can make it that long) so that he has the degree for the time he has already invested so he has something to show for it/to fall back on.

Cars: We are currently car shopping because both of our cars are shit. (husband's car is WAY shit). We found one we think might work out, but I am not sure about husband's ability to talk their price down. Not that I do not have faith in him, but that I just haven't seen it before and he can be too nice sometimes. My dad always went with me when I bought cars (Lame I know), but it worked out because I always left with 1k more money in my pocket because he always talked them down that much. Oh well, I hope it works out. Although, the car we are looking at is a little small. We need something like a subaru or something with more space, but Husband doesn't like subarus (subaru, subari, what the fuck is the plural of Subaru) and says he would feel like a loser. Oh well.

Finally a day off

I know it hasn't been, but I feel like I haven't been off work forever. I have been getting so ridiculously angry at people at work lately that I feel like I need a week off of work not just a day. Customers have been driving me crazy. I like to think that I like people, but oh my god, I could not handle it. Basically, do people not punish their children anymore? Are there no consequences anymore? I understand wanting to BE understanding, I get not agreeing with abuse (who does) but seriously. Just SPANK the fucking kid already! If they are hanging up phones in public (like walking up to the work phone I was on with a customer and hitting the hang up button because I was not getting their fucking video game for them and they couldn't wait a damn minute) and you are not even saying anything to them?! I think that those parents need to be punched in the face... or the nuts, it depends on the gender. Both of them will get a punch in the ear. I swear. I NEVER behaved that badly in public! I would have only gotten away with it once, I will tell you that much.
AH
Oh well. I can not tell them how to raise their children, but it does not put any hope in my heart for my future.
On a lighter note, the game Lost Odyssey is ADDICTING.

Today, I Accomplished Nothing

I found out this morning when I was about to get up for work, that I did not work today. So I did.... nothing. I sat around basically all day and played on the computer and talked with a few people. I talked to my younger sister who's ex boyfriend is being an ass. He was her first love and he broke her heart and so she is getting over it, and then, at a party, he comes up to her and says "I fucked my manager, does that bother you? Does that make you feel good?" and just kept going on and on. She was pissed and he, drunk, started yelling at her and she got angry and it was bad. This guy that I used to know (who was also an ass when I knew him, but apparently is nice to her) took her away from him and tried to make her feel better. I think her ex is a dick.

Well, in the mood of my day being uneventful and not achieving much, I am going to cut this short, because I want to drink another beer before I go to sleep to wake up to a job that is lame in the morning.

A week ago...

That's when my last post was. Just about a week ago. Nothing amazing has happened in that span of time. I have figured out that if I go back to school for four years, and pay two hundred dollars a month, I will be over fifty five when I pay off my student loans. So I am not thinking that I will go back. Especially since I wont be making anything over 40k/yr in the career I want. I want to the mall today while my husband went fishing with one of his best friends. The one that told the both of us he doesn't like me. The same one who supported his fiance when she stabbed my husband and myself in the back. It's not that bad, but they compeltely alienated us. Anyway, went to the mall, and on the way there I rocked out to a new cd, and was happy feeling and felt confident as I drove. But when I got there and walked around, I started feeling more alone and invisible. I felt like everyone saw me and thought "ew" and then ignored me so as not to draw attention. I felt like I was walking in a veiled bubble or something. Got sidetracked and went to Target. I ended up buying salt and pepper shakers. I dont need them. I always end up seeing really cute things, and wanting to buy them, and then looking closer and finding out that they are salt and pepper shakers. We have a bunch. My husband is annoyed by it, you can tell. I try to find cute things to make me feel happy, I think. I think I am getting sick. Again. I have my fourth or fifth sore throat of the year. I HATE being sick. No shit right? Everyone hates being sick, but I talk a lot at work, and it is rough. Plus it makes me feel worse when I work, because I can not work very hard and dont want to get fired. Then again, I do really want a new job, but I do not want to train again, or be the new kid again, or be the "I have only worked here a month" person again.
Oh well. Have you heard of pizza beer? It sounds delicious or disgusting.. I am not sure. I know I would try it.
So, I think I am going to go, because I have been drinking. My pains are all numbed, but I am numby. It is nice. (I have to work tomorrow, it is not that nice, haha)

Popsicles, Ink, and Onion Rings

Today, I went with my husband as he got his first tattoo. I do not have any, as I am too much of a wimp, and am sure that I would regret it. It was cool, I talked to a couple tattoo artists from other areas, and some people I see with tattoos around town, and they all said that this One guy was the best in town, so we went to see him. He was actually, all booked until the middle of may. MAY. But he had come in early and had a cancellation, so it worked out perfect. He was great. So, my husband told one of his best friends about it (it's always a competition with them) and all the guy would do was nay-say. Seriously. It was ridiculous. Oh well. Anyway, he got a One Armed Scissor as a tattoo. I liked a different kind of scissor for it than he did, but it is his body, and he said the artist sketched out a few different kinds and this one looked the best. It'll be neat when it's healed and I can actually touch it.

Afterwards we went to a restaurant that we had never been to. It was a mix of a fast food and sit down burger joint and a barbeque. You ordered sit down stuff like a fast food place (in line and standing up) then you go and sit, then you go get your food, and depending on what it was, all the condiments and toppings are at a little bar. You put on your own lettuce, or tomatoes, etc. But there was seating like a sitdown restaurant, though there were obviously no waiters. It was kind of neat. We had the most amazing onion rings, but we ate too much and now my stomach hurts. Then we went and bought popsicles (like I needed them). I couldn't choose between the Rootbeer/Banana/Lemonlime combo or the fudgesicles, so we got both. I feel ridiculous, but they will last forever, so it works.
All in all, not a bad day. Could have been better. Could have been worse. I wish, other than the man's tattoo, we could have done something cooler on my one f-ing day off (which someone still called and asked if I could cover for him), but I guess we could have just sat at home.

Stupid Internet... Stupid Brain

Part One: Went back to work today. It wasn't so bad. I mean, it was still work, but it went by pretty fast. Also, my husband came to pick me up for my lunch and we went to the park. But it was rainy today, so we just ate in the car and mocked the seagull that was staring at us. I like a few of the people I work with, but I couldn't hang out with any of them outside of work. Too big of age differences, or just not sure that they would want to hang out with me. Oh well. I guess I will stay and work my minimum (slave) wage job and try to find friends outside of work.
I am still throwing around the idea of going back to school. And still throwing around the idea of teaching... which I am not sure of yet. But I can picture myself in it, I worry about the actual teaching part though. I do not think that students would respect me, and I am still not sure how that would change my ideas for a family, etc. Also, where would I go to school? That would mean another four years of having to live in apartments, because the schools I could go to are not in places I will ever want to live. Either that or I would have to commute to school and then to work every day. I guess it kind of depends. Oh it stinks to think about it...

Part Two: My internet crapped out on me last night, so the first part of this post is from yesterday, and this part is from today, Tuesday. I had to go into the office at my apartment complex to get internet. It is kind of a drag, because I cant put my feet up, or anything. Stupid people making me get dressed and what not, haha. Every day I get more torn about this going back to school thing. Because every day, I want to go even more, but then everything that would make it twice as hard gets louder in my mind, so I end up farther apart than last time. I keep thinking that if I don't do it, I never will. But then I am still not sure if I actually do want to, or if I am just so dissatisfied with my life and job now that I would do anything. I mean, I did go to college before, and I did hate it. But then again, it could have been because I was unmotivated, or because it was my first time out of the house (also my first, and certainly not last, experience with liquid courage). A lot happened that year. I guess I will never know if I don't try, but it is so much money to lose on a gamble. And I have another person to think about. It's not just me anymore. How will it change his opportunities for work or a career. He graduates next may, and will go looking for a career in his future field; How will me going back to school change or influence that for him.

Great, another thing to think about. I know he will support me in whatever I do, he has told me. He said yesterday, that if I wanted to go back to school, he would do whatever he could to help me. But still, I do not want to do anything to cause him to resent me and my stupid decisions.

Budgeting for my future...

Today, I tried to think of a career that would make me feel like I was accomplishing something in my life. A job where I would not feel like a failure or a loser every day. So I thought of all the things that I like. I like art, but I have no artistic skill. I like music, but have no musical talent. I like writing, but again, I have no creative writing ability. Then I went back to what I had wanted to do upon leaving high school. I wanted to teach. But then when I went to college and hated it and did not have the self motivation or will power to work hard to become a teacher. But I did not know then what I know now. But I still know myself. I am still sure that I would have trouble making myself go to class.
So I looked into some schools a little, and I wouldn't even know where to go. Three of the towns the schools are in, I do not enjoy, and the other is in a big city where it would be way too expensive to live close enough to the campus for me to make it to school every day. And not to mention, that I know myself, and I would not be able to pull off working a job and going to school full time, but we could not afford to function or live without it. GUH. I should have stayed in school in the first place.
But say I made myself to go, and I went through everything to get certified, and I got a job teaching. what about the other things that I want for my life. Like a home and a family? That may sound too domestic for some, but I really would like to raise my own children.

So I turned on the tv, and the Ten Commandments was on. You know, with Charlton Heston as Moses. It is kind of funny, because I was thinking of renting that movie today. I used to watch it as a kid, and my husband doesn't like it, so I didn't rent it, but it turns out that I get to watch it anyway. Neat. Here's a nice little image of moses for those of you who are better visually.

I wish I could just decide on something to do, do it, and be done with it. But it's these Damned student loans that I already have that are stopping me. I am barely paying them now, I can't imagine a total of around Eighty Thousand dollars of student loan debt. It would take forever to work off. God, I wish school was free. I mean, what else are we supposed to do with ourselves if we can't afford the fucking education to get anywhere with our lives? What is the point of going to college to get the better paying job, if you are just going to be paying of your student loans for years. I hate it. I really do hate it. Every time that I hear that someone won the lottery, I am jealous. There was a couple about a month ago that won around two hundred and fifty MILLION dollars, and they didn't even seem happy about it. They seemed put out that they had to get up early for an interview and then drive somewhere to cash their millions of dollars and put it in their bank. I just wanted to smack them.

I like to think of how amazing it would be if I could just win one hundred thousand dollars, which is almost nothing on the lottery scale. I would love to just be able to pay off debts, and go to school, and have a clean start without all these other things dragging me down. I would pay mine and my husband's debts, I would pay for us to go to school, and we could handle everything else from zero. And I know that I am not the only one who worries. I know that my husband sees me sad and he knows I feel like a failure in life, and I think it hurts him. I shouldn't be thinking about myself. But Oh how I wish everything could work out fine. But shit, wishes don't pay the bills, so fuck it.

I don't think I am capable of any of this anyway.

feels like I don't remember ever being this tired before

Today... was a crappy day.

I really don't know what was wrong with me today, but the day fucking sucked. I pretty much felt depressed all day. Maybe I'm being hormonally emotional, but I can't think of a reason I would be. All I could think today while I was at work is how much of a failure I feel like I am. How I wish I could...I don't know, not be a failure. I can't even think of a fucking synonym. I was also thinking of a few things. Like how I envy the willpower of anorexics. I've tried. I don't understand things like cutting yourself or anything (if you're going to cause yourself pain get a tattoo or something), but if only I could be anorexic, or partially anorexic. Like, I'll eat breakfast and take vitamins, but just not eat for the rest of the day. I tried it one day... I didn't make it to five o'clock before I ate again.


I think that will power is part of my problem all around. I did not have the will power to finish college. I do not have the will power to lose weight (though I both want to and need to with everything I am). I do not have the will power to work harder at my job. I do not have the will power to make friends. More, I don't have the guts to try to make friends again.


I am friendly with people at my work. I would say that some of them like me as a person, but I honestly do not think that any of them would hang out with me or be my friend outside of work. Not to mention that I have been unneccessesarily bitchy about one of the guys I work with. He is a jerk, and he is SLOW, and he is lazy, and I think he might have some mental issues also. He should for SURE be fired, but my boss is a jerk too and won't fire him. I have to re-do everything he does, he is SO dumb. If I worked as poorly or as slowly as him, I would be fired, but he isn't. I think I will fill out a bunch of random comment cards about him. I have had customers complain about him, and he does have other jobs, so it is not like it would be a giant loss for him. Plus it would save everyone who has to fix all his fuckups all the time and effort. I just don't think anyone wants to say anything because they want to be nice. Fuck being nice. You don't have to like the people you work with! It's WORK. You only have to be there for like five or six hours. Oh well.
Work is part of why I feel like such a failure. I work such a shitty job, for such shitty pay. Nothing I do is actually important. Like, yes, it's important in the sense that if I didn't do it, we wouldn't sell anything and the customers would be unhappy. But in the long run, I get no satisfaction or sense of accomplishment from any of it. And at the end of the day, no one remembers me... no one remembers that I went the extra mile to find them the book or movie or cd or item that they wanted.


Like the other day, a guy called looking for a comedy track on a cd. He had no idea what it was called, only some of the words. I told him the only thing he could really do was to look it up online. He told me that he was blind and couldn't. So I told him "You know what, I get off work in about two hours. How about when I get home I look it up for you and then do some work and find out if we have it and then I will call you back from my phone and make sure they hold it for you." So I did. And the guy didn't even say thank you. He wasn't even grateful. It was ridiculous.
Oh well. I am off to bed now. I am ready to be over with this fucking day.

Carrots, Zombies, and Hops

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I felt like this image would be appropriate for three reasons. 1) It is spring and it is a picture of a plant. 2) It is green. 3) It is a necessary ingredient of beer... what I plan to be drinking soon.
So I remembered something last night. I realized that my self esteem issues are not just a physical thing. I realized that I had it when I was little too, just to a less extent. When I was in the first grade (or whatever grade it is that you learn to write) my teacher was teaching us to always capitalize proper nouns. Being my inquisitive little self, I asked why. You could tell that she didn't get asked why to capitalize something before. She told me it was because people and places were important, and we show them that they are important by capitalizing their names. (I thought that that was what everyone consciously thought when they wrote peoples names) I did not think that I was important, so I never capitalized my name. I hoped for the teacher or someone to tell me that I was important and that I needed to capitalize my name. But that never happened. So I thought that I was right... I wasn't important. And I think that is where it might have started. So, now I know that my poor self image and esteem was stupid through middle and high school. Now, now it might just be justified, but I wish I could go back and smack my younger self and her that she was both important and hot, and to get over it. Haha (I don't like typing "lol"). I am sure that everyone wishes that they could do something like that. Go back and tell their college self not to eat all the french fries and to stick to straight shots instead of beer. Go back and tell their high school self to pay a little more attention and not to skip because it is a little more important to figure it out.
So I tried to add some little things I've done to my deviantart account, but for some reason I can't get it to work. I like to make collages. Probably because my brain can think up pretty and unique things, but I can not make my hands do it. I can paint a pretty mean pop art looking tree branch. But that is about it. I know so many ridiculously artistic people who have the god given talents to make beautiful art, or sing fantastically, or play an instrument like a god. If you can't tell I might be a little jealous.

Well, taking my mind off of things like that, I am going to drink a lot tonight. I was thinking about going and eating some potatoes rice and bread. Haha. Just kidding. Just rice. Rice is delicious, and I do not think that it would hurt very much if I had to throw up. Also, it probably wont give me heartburn, which I have been getting a lot lately. Which sucks, because I have an addiction to spicy food. I can not think of a meal that I love that isn't spicy. Except a few things like mashed potatoes. Or navy bean soup. Or ham. Or carrots, I love carrots. A lot.

Speaking of carrots, I think I will go make the food that I am going to eat tonight. Maybe I will make myself a drink. I really am a winner, drinking by myself in the middle of Idaho, writing, googling things, and watching CSI (which is funny because a few of them are wearing green and it is the day you're supposed to. haha.)

I will leave you with the image of a little acrylic doll that I painted. Like a mini dunny, except way different. I made a middle management zombie. Yaay. I like zombies. I scare really easy but still. Shaun of the dead is one of my favorite movies... even though it is a comedy it has xombies. What could be better? Maybe little star trek nerd zombies.

(Post Script: I saw a movie the other day called Mutant Zombie Vampires from The Hood. Funny stuff huh?

PPS: Feel free to comment, I'd like peoples opinions.)

Trying it out

Quite a few people that I know do the blog thing. Some take it too far, saying things about their friends that they would never say in person, but at the same time they send them the links to their posts. That is a little much. Then again, I never said I was not passive aggressive, I just am not sure that I am going to let many people know that this is here. I have not decided yet. I think I may feel better knowing that potentially, someone could happen upon it and have an input that will affect...effect... (damn my english teachers for not telling me which is the correct one) me.
Here are a few things you might get to know about me during this process. I figure I will try to get this drama out of the way right at the start.
I have a lack of self-esteem/poor self image. I always have. In high school, I thought that I was fat (I wasn't) and when I would get compliments, I would take them badly. Basically, I just didn't believe it. Now, I am fat, and the estimage (esteem+image=estimage) did not get any better. It bothers me daily. I don't personally know anyone with image issues this bad, but, to make you understand, this is how my brain takes it. Wake up, go brush teeth, loathe what I see in the mirror. Shower, again, hate self. Dress: wish I was not so disgusting. Now, I dont think that I am ugly facially, but physically. During the day, I will forget that I am fat, but then it hits me and I remember. I try to stay positive and friendly, but "inside" I feel grosser than Michael Moore. I have not been eating as much, and I have been dieting, and working out. It is just not working, but I am trying to get over it. My husband is fantastic and tries to help so I feel pretty, but it does not work.

The other drama is that I have recently moved to Boise and I have no friends here. It is depressing to realize that you dont have any friends. I realize that I have friends from High School or college, but there are only about five of them, and I only talk to them every once in a while. It is difficult to live and work somewhere where you don't have a core group of friends, or people to hang out with, or party with, or celebrate a birthday with. My in-laws make me feel like a loser because of comments that they make. Not to me, but I will be around, or in the next room, when they are talking about people being overweight and gross, or not finishing college meaning that you are a loser who will never get anywhere in life. I realize that right now I might not be doing a lot in life, but we could not afford to live if both their son, my husband, and I were both going to school. And I do not want to waste more money on an education I am unsure of. It is still heartbreaking to know that the only people that you do have around you, think that you are trash. I also found out that two people that I considered to be my friends (they were even in my wedding party) have never liked me. I don't think that you should fake it to that extreme. I understand being nice, or civil, but to accept an invitation to be in your wedding if you do not like the person.
Okay, *phew* That was nice.

Now, onto some not real drama... If you aren't already, you should get yourself addicted to Questionable Content. Amazing, I have to say so myself. I have to thank Kevin for telling me about it. Well... I will spoil it partially for you now, but if you go read from the start, you'll forget... Faye had sex with somebody (I won't say who) and Oh how I saw it coming (no pun intended) and I hope it works out well. Here is the link: http://www.questionablecontent.net/. You really do need to go check it out.

Well, I probably will think of something else later today.