Budgeting for my future...

Today, I tried to think of a career that would make me feel like I was accomplishing something in my life. A job where I would not feel like a failure or a loser every day. So I thought of all the things that I like. I like art, but I have no artistic skill. I like music, but have no musical talent. I like writing, but again, I have no creative writing ability. Then I went back to what I had wanted to do upon leaving high school. I wanted to teach. But then when I went to college and hated it and did not have the self motivation or will power to work hard to become a teacher. But I did not know then what I know now. But I still know myself. I am still sure that I would have trouble making myself go to class.
So I looked into some schools a little, and I wouldn't even know where to go. Three of the towns the schools are in, I do not enjoy, and the other is in a big city where it would be way too expensive to live close enough to the campus for me to make it to school every day. And not to mention, that I know myself, and I would not be able to pull off working a job and going to school full time, but we could not afford to function or live without it. GUH. I should have stayed in school in the first place.
But say I made myself to go, and I went through everything to get certified, and I got a job teaching. what about the other things that I want for my life. Like a home and a family? That may sound too domestic for some, but I really would like to raise my own children.

So I turned on the tv, and the Ten Commandments was on. You know, with Charlton Heston as Moses. It is kind of funny, because I was thinking of renting that movie today. I used to watch it as a kid, and my husband doesn't like it, so I didn't rent it, but it turns out that I get to watch it anyway. Neat. Here's a nice little image of moses for those of you who are better visually.

I wish I could just decide on something to do, do it, and be done with it. But it's these Damned student loans that I already have that are stopping me. I am barely paying them now, I can't imagine a total of around Eighty Thousand dollars of student loan debt. It would take forever to work off. God, I wish school was free. I mean, what else are we supposed to do with ourselves if we can't afford the fucking education to get anywhere with our lives? What is the point of going to college to get the better paying job, if you are just going to be paying of your student loans for years. I hate it. I really do hate it. Every time that I hear that someone won the lottery, I am jealous. There was a couple about a month ago that won around two hundred and fifty MILLION dollars, and they didn't even seem happy about it. They seemed put out that they had to get up early for an interview and then drive somewhere to cash their millions of dollars and put it in their bank. I just wanted to smack them.

I like to think of how amazing it would be if I could just win one hundred thousand dollars, which is almost nothing on the lottery scale. I would love to just be able to pay off debts, and go to school, and have a clean start without all these other things dragging me down. I would pay mine and my husband's debts, I would pay for us to go to school, and we could handle everything else from zero. And I know that I am not the only one who worries. I know that my husband sees me sad and he knows I feel like a failure in life, and I think it hurts him. I shouldn't be thinking about myself. But Oh how I wish everything could work out fine. But shit, wishes don't pay the bills, so fuck it.

I don't think I am capable of any of this anyway.

feels like I don't remember ever being this tired before