Unattainable

I am not sure what to do with myself anymore. I know I need to kick it in the ass. And it is not like my ass is by any means a small target. I need to get up and go to the damned gym or SOMETHING. I just can't find the motivation. It is not really the motivation that is my problem, because trust me, I have plenty to motivate me. About seventy pounds of plenty. But I can not find the will power or energy. We got a wii the other day, and I know it is kind of pathetic, but the boxing game that came with it (it actually came with a sports package) kicks my butt! I did the training on it (which I can not figure out how to aim) and I was sore afterwards! I do not know if that says something for the wii itself, getting people off their bums, or if it says something for how out of shape I am. I think I will play again for a little today. I just want to look pretty. Super fat, very poor posture, crappy hairdo. I need a fucking extreme makeover or something. What I wouldnt give for a trainer. A trainer that MADE me work out. A trainer and a personal chef. If I was rich I might be able to do this.

I want more than anything to not hate myself. There is nothing I do where I can forget what I look like. Shopping: one of the worst, whether it is for clothes or groceries, it doesnt matter. Clothes, that one is obvious. Groceries, I eat so well and get all the veggies and stuff, and then there will be ONE pre-packaged not good for me food on the conveyor belt, and I feel like everyone is staring at me with distain. One candy bar at work, and I feel like people roll their eyes and say 'no wonder'. Driving in the car, I feel ugly and fat. Sitting on the couch, walking around town, walking (or anything) at work, having a drink, laying down to go to sleep, taking a shower, hugging my husband, being intimate with him, going up the stairs to my apartment, going to the gym, doing my makeup, talking on the phone, shoe shopping, the list goes on and on. There is rarely any moment in any day that I do not have a constant reminder of self loathing talk going through my head. I can not escape how terrible and ugly I feel. And how even if I lose twenty pounds, I will still be huge. Even thirty, fourty pounds. How can I escape that?! I hear stories of women who lose hundreds of pounds and I can not understand how they did it. I try so hard.

I try so hard.